Of Beards & Burns

Category:  BloggERy
Wednesday, July 31st, 2013 at 9:58 AM
Of Beards & Burns by Cory Vaillancourt

I guess I’m a beardo at heart. Sure, I only had a beard one time for 3 months over a decade ago, but that was when I lived in in Colorado – where beards are mandatory; also mandatory in Colorado are dogs and bandanas, and if you have neither, the state will issue you with a dog, or a bandana, or a dog with a bandana. But I digress.

Beards are cool; however mine was not. Being a blondish-brown haired Caucasian, my beard looked like Chuck Norris’ would have if he ate a bowl of Creepy-O’s for breakfast. Every day. For 25 years. So, when I came down off the mountain, I had no problems freeing myself of the itchy, creepy facepelt.

Perry’s chops played a significant role in the Battle of Lake Erie.

That’s not to say that I don’t admire beards. And men with beards. I hope to have one myself one day – a beard, not a man. Don’t judge. However, as I’m rapidly greying and watching my stubble span the spectrum from blond to brown to straight white, I’ve resigned myself to waiting until I go completely grey to grow a dignified Vanco-esque beard, half Santa, half Gandolf.

But in the meantime, there’s always sideburns. Thick, luxurious sideburns, like those of our revered naval hero Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry. Not quite a beard, but no less commanding, Perry’s chops played a significant role in the Battle of Lake Erie, as their fearsome, fearless glory could be seen miles away and intimidated the dastardly British into surrendering before a single shot was fired, just so they could be closer to those magnificent chops [citation needed].

So, if you’re not already sporting a set, you’d better get crackin’ – because you could win a prize for your favorite local charity! As I’m sure you know, the Perry 200 Commemoration’s “Perry Burns” contest, which was launched July 1, is nearing its conclusion; the deadline to submit a photo of your Perry-esque burns at www.goerie.com/perryburns is tomorrow at 11:59 p.m. But don’t worry if you miss it – you can always enter the next one, which takes place at the Perry 250 Commemoration in 2062.

Erie Reader: Vol. 6, No. 19
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CURRENT

100 years of drama, music, laughter, and family. 

A longtime local car-parts sculptor gets Ripley’s acclaim for his delightfully out-there art.

A call to save nursing jobs and chemotherapy infusion services at the Regional Cancer Center. 

Stop by VegFest 2016 and discover the fun in a plant-based lifestyle.

On Sept. 25, Mary Halvorson brings her current duo project, Secret Keeper, featuring bassist Stephan Crump, to Erie’s PACA.

IN THIS ISSUE

100 years of drama, music, laughter, and family. 

A longtime local car-parts sculptor gets Ripley’s acclaim for his delightfully out-there art.

A call to save nursing jobs and chemotherapy infusion services at the Regional Cancer Center. 

Stop by VegFest 2016 and discover the fun in a plant-based lifestyle.

On Sept. 25, Mary Halvorson brings her current duo project, Secret Keeper, featuring bassist Stephan Crump, to Erie’s PACA.

The Colony Plaza parking lot will transform into an outdoor shopping and socializing event called Parking Lot Palooza.

This is the fourth album for Cleveland punk quartet Signals Midwest, and it might be their best yet. 

Fairness and justice take center stage in our commonwealth.

Handy emojis for Erie texting.

Audit looming? No problem. Just use accounting ‘adjustments,’ like the Department of the Army.