U238pfront: Upfront has Something for You!

Categories:      Opinion
Wednesday, June 6th, 2012 at 10:59 AM
U238pfront: Upfront has Something for You! by Cory Vaillancourt
wikipedia.org

Friends, do you suffer from that toxic, run-down feeling?

Is your normal healthy glow now a no-go? Lost that spark in your step? Lost that flash in your ‘stache? 

Well, worry no more, friends! Come on, gather round, gather ‘round folks, that’s right, step right up, because I have something for “you.”

That’s right, friends, for just $39.95, I will put the “you” back in “Uranium” and deliver a small canister of 100 percent gin-u-wine concentrated syncopated refrigerated sun-shaded naturally-created Uranium 238 to your door – no questions asked.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Oh yes I do. You’re sophisticated conjugated unrelated unabated consumers. I can tell just by looking at you, and I know you’re thinking “Uranium, online, by mail? Is this guy crazy?”

I assure you friends, I am not. Or at least, that what my doctor at the asylum tells me.

My Uranium ore supplier, Images SI Inc., whose motto is “Your DIY source for information and supplies for science related projects and kits,” gar-on-tees 100 percent validated authenticated substantiated corroborated compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations.

But that’s not all, friends. Noooooooooo, there’s more. They also guar-on-tee with a capital “G” 100 percent verified certified bona fide nationwide compliance with the U.S. Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 regarding low-level radioactive medicinals.

Yes, friends, you know that when you deal with Images Si, supplier of quality Uranium ore by mail for several years, you deal with the leader in online Uranium-by-mail suppliers.  

Accept no substitutes, ladies and gentlemen, only 100 percent gin-u-wine splenic parthenogenic polemic non-stick solid brick Uranium ore is good enough for a keen and trusting troupe such as yourselves.

Handsome, too.

Sure, there have been misanthropes. Malcontents. Agitators. Troublemakers. Nay-sayers.  Nattering nabobs of negativity, as a wise man once said. One product review on Amazon.com stated, “I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.”

Not their fault, friends, not their fault. Half-life and shelf-life are two different things; this none-to-bright customer apparently didn’t read the informative communicative expansive educative label on the packaging. Of all the things Uranium can do for you, making you smarter clearly isn’t one of them!

But what does it do, you ask? I knew you were an astute assembly, and let me tell you friends, you asked the right fellow. Uranium ore is good for the arthur-itis, the rheumatisms, the grippe, the pleurisy, fossy jaw, rickets, scurvy, St. Vitus’ dance, St. Anthony’s fire, St. Elmo’s fire, or any other heavenly malady you may incur.  Yes, friends, if you suffer from gout, miner’s elbow, monkey knuckles, harlot’s hips, grocer’s itch, yellow fever, scarlet fever, the blue flu, black pox, or any other hued affliction, Uranium ore is for “you.”

And, know that when you deal with Images SI – supplier of quality Uranium ore by mail for several years – you deal with the leader in online Uranium-by-mail suppliers. Eliminate the hassle of trudging down to your local uranium oremongery – or worse – and lugging your phony baloney macaroni minestrone Guccione Uranium ore back to your stately manor. As one of their legions of satisfied customers raved on Amazon, “[I’m] so glad I don't have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore.”

That’s right, friends, when “you” think of “you-ranium,” think of Images SI, supplier of quality Uranium ore by mail for several years. And remember, 100 percent gin-u-wine concentrated syncopated refrigerated sun-shaded naturally-created Uranium 238 is absolutely gar-on-teed to eradicate eliminate repudiate terminate exterminate and otherwise do away with whatever ails ye.

Now, who’s going to be the first to step right up and buy some? Between you, me, and the tree, you’d better act quickly – some gentleman from Persia named Mahmoud just bought a whole mess of it.

Anyone?

No one?

Well, worry no more, friends! Come on, gather round, gather ‘round folks, that’s right, step right up, because I have something else for “you.”

Canned unicorn meat.  That’s right, for just $11.95, I can put the “you” back in unicorn; or rather, the unicorn in you…

 

Cory Vaillancourt is a brilliant writer/complete hack and can be complimented/heckled at cVaillancourt@ErieReader.com.

 

Tags: u238, snake oil

Erie Reader: Vol. 6, No. 25
Now Available — Pick It Up Today

CURRENT

Keeping it local this holiday season

A wildlife photographer captures Presque Isle State Park at dawn.

An account from the front lines of the North Dakota protest

 

Questioning the nostalgia of Rogue One

 

Get some holiday ink in exchange for donations

IN THIS ISSUE

Keeping it local this holiday season

A wildlife photographer captures Presque Isle State Park at dawn.

An account from the front lines of the North Dakota protest

 

Questioning the nostalgia of Rogue One

 

Get some holiday ink in exchange for donations

Prolific avant-garde bassist to perform solo one night only

Ruins has a retro authenticity that’s almost confusing.

Missy Twohig: owner, Sacred Piercing

Meet the Lee Family: owners of the last taxable property in the City of Erie.

Bogus baking soda and pessimistic pigs