Building Your Post-Quarantine 'Revenge Body'
Get ready to show your ex-life what it's been missing
Anyone out there guilty of watching Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah, me neither. But if you'd been keeping up with this particular Kardashian, you'd witness her and "Hollywood's best trainers and glam squads" guiding the "true and total makeover" of two individuals per episode — "From Scrawny to Brawny" (Season 3, Episode 3) or "From Mom to MILF" (Season 1, Episode 7), for example. The aim? Making those who'd written them off wish they hadn't, pursuant to the debuts of their new "revenge bodies" — e.g. "Who is that?!" (When the former rejector/doubter/hater drops the interrobang, you know you've won.)
In recent weeks, many of us have been left asking ourselves "Who am I?!" We've been abruptly divorced from our pre-pandemic lifestyles — you know, the ones where we went places, saw people, did things — and would readily admit that we're missing our exes right now, despite the detriments a reunion would pose to our respective persons. Before we get back with our ex-lives, let's take a moment to consider our approach. Would we rather be sporting our regret bodies or our revenge bodies?
Obviously, the latter requires a bit more effort, but not as much as you might think. "If you believe you need to work out one hour a day, every day of the week, that's not even necessary," says Matt Pribonic, who is a long-time personal trainer, fitness motivator, and vice president of Erie's Level Red Boxing and iRock Fitness. "Thirty minutes is effective for most people's attention spans and needs … the goal is to maintain a good active heart rate for 20 minutes."
That's long enough to release "feel-good" brain chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine, the very things that will encourage you to continue. The key, says Pribonic, is not sabotaging your progress with a poor diet. "What a lot of people do is overeat or overindulge and then overexercise to compensate. When you're overdoing everything, you burn yourself out." Furthermore, overexertion can beget injury — i.e. body revenge.
Instead, seek balance and a gradual correction of course. "Ask yourself, 'If I ate better and exercised more, what would my energy levels be like? Would I feel better? Would I be more at peace?" Pribonic acknowledges that we are all experiencing some degree of hardship right now, but is also optimistic about this being a time for many "to get right."
No vendettas required. Just a little self-belief.
After seeing his lung capacity reduced to that of a chain-smoking tapeworm following a month-long gym layoff, Matt Swanseger (firstname.lastname@example.org) is attempting to establish a new exercise regimen. He will be voluntarily subjecting himself to assorted virtual home workouts (such as Level Red Boxing's) over the coming weeks and sharing his thoughts.